Intention

A beautiful couple whom I have had the pleasure of working with in couples psychotherapy walked into my office a couple of weeks ago after an “a-ha!” moment they had realized during the week. Stuck in feeling unheard, alone and in a cycle of escalating anger, one partner took a deep breath. They made a decision not to assume, but to question and get curious to learn rather than blame. They turned to their partner and asked “Was it your intention to leave a sink full of dirty dishes for me to clean up?”. They asked a question rather than made a statement. They wanted to understand and learn rather to judge. Their partner at first was a little thrown off with this new way of speaking, but was able to look inside, and share that was not their intention at all—- the had a unexpectedly busy morning and wasn’t able to get to the dishes but was planning on it later in the day. They were also able to apologize, take responsibility and complete the task without a request. Many seasoned therapists, meditators and self seekers return to this simple idea over and over: if we can re engage with our curious self, our learner self, our truth seeker self, we get the privilege of understanding another person, of deeply empathizing and of compassion. This is invaluable in connecting with others and maintaining strong and healthy relationships.